Services

List of Services

If its a good idea, or an incredibly complicated idea that doesn't help anyone, we've had it! And when we have an idea, we never turn it into something of value.

Browse our diverse set of offerings and make an appointment today!

Hats for wHoever

Hats Girlfriends | $22

Hats for Wives | $24

Hats for Luna | $35

Hats for Babies | $57+

Hats for Babies to insist on eating | $114+

Explaining the Passage of Time

If you think about it, Total Eclipse of the Heart came out in 1982, so if you thought that was an old song in 2002, that's like kids today thinking that Complicated by Avril Levinge is an old song! Isn't that crazy?!

Its not crazy, its just subtraction paired with a vast supply of knowledge regarding the dates songs came out. And don't worry, there is more where that came from! If you are someone who finds fascination in marking years by counting backwards and then counting forwards, you are in for a treat. Anytime you reference something that happened in the past, we can (and will!) put it in context for you via subtracting the release dates of two or more songs.

Please be aware that standing in our Founder's presence and referring to any past event, historical or personal, constitutes a legally binding agreement to receive and pay for this valuable service. Payment will be collected after this service is rendered.

Back to the 80s - $80

Back to the 90s - $30

Back to the 2010s - $500

High price because you should be able to do this one without us, don't be an idiot

Very Cute Family Making

One of our most amazing feats, Rieck Enterprises has made two new human beings, and they are amazingly cute.

Cute Baby Production: Out of Stock. This product is no longer available for sale at any price.

Get Right with God

With the power invested in him by the online religious authorities, our Founder is embedded with all the necessary spiritual powers to offer the below services:

Forgiving Sins : $40

Performing your Wedding : $200

Note, there is no friends or family discounts available for this offering.. We're running a business here.

Performing your Wedding and Talking about God: $1,000

Performing your Wedding and Talking about the Church of Satan: $5

Rock Stacking and Kicking

Ever since our 2018 venture to the Pacific Northwest, we have maintained a high level of pride in the below moment, captured in perpetuity by our Co-President, of stacking and subsequently kicking some rocks. For the past four years, this moment has come up with shocking regularity and continues to bring joy to everyone who hears tale of this amazing feat.

Cost: Priceless

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